My Love Letter to U,Belle...

Hey Belle,mommy finally finished her exams=)

U've been gone for more than a month. I always thought that time heals all pain. The pain in my heart never goes away. Ur the most special dog I've ever had. N u'll continue to be in my heart. For those who've never had a dog in their lives...they'd never understand the pain that dog lovers go through.

I have to see u go through ur whole life as a puppy,a junior, an adult n finally I didn't even get to say good bye to u when u passed on. That is something I'll regret until the day I die.

U've been with me for 12 faithful years. U wait for me all the time. I can see how happy u were whenever I come back n call u my baby girl. I personally trained u,slept with u in the same bed and went through the most unforgettable experiences of growing up tgt with u. I got u when I was 13. N I lost u now. U've seen me at my best. U've also been there for me at my worst. But I wasn't there for u when ur at ur worst. Somehow, ppl tell me ur a dog. Dogs just go earlier. Try as I may to make it sound reasonable, I couldn't get myself to think that way. When I lost u, I didn't just lose a dog...I lost a friend. Nobody has ever touched my heart the way u did. U can always get over a heartbreak caused by a loved one, a boyfriend, or even ur fiancee...but u can never get over guilt, never get over true love with someone who has touched ur heart. N that is exactly what Belle was to me. I lost my best friend. I can get over an abusive ex fiancee, a cheating boyfriend or even the harshness of reality from fake friends n an empty pocket because those are things that I could mend...those are things that I could fix n heal. But losing u made me lose my identity as ur best friend. I'm at my peak when u were alive. Losing u made me want to perform even better than I did before. Because whenever u were there, u always had a way to encourage me although u didn't know u were doing just that. But it's hard. It's so hard without u here with mommy Belle.

I kept a list of drafts in my messages that I typed in whenever I thought of u. Because I don't really want to talk about u to anybody until my exams are over. Guess this is just the way I am. I can laugh, joke, smile and show my happy facial expressions to anybody when I grieve. I just don't want to talk about it. Because I knew if I started I could never stop. A floodgate of tears will start. I'm amazed by myself...because when my friends asked me, are u really okay cos i saw ur post on fb saying ur grieving...u don't look like ur grieving to me.

Well what can I say...I just don't like to talk about it when it's someone I really love. How would u understand?

The things that I wrote when I missed u...

1. I really miss Belle a lot. Today I noticed that I subconsciously wrote down her name in a past year question paper that I was answering where the victim's name was Nell. I wrote there Belle.
2.When I rode the LRT I thought of u.
3.When I smile at others,inside I'm so very sad because ur not there anymore.
4.I regret saying I had too many dogs on Cah's wall.In reality,I only want one dog for the rest of my life and that's Belle.Just u.I love u belle.I miss u so much.
5.I saw a cat today,n it reminded me of u belle.U were so small that u were afraid of cats.I just miss u so much.
6.I'm so scared I'll forget u belle.I'm thinking lesser of u today.

7.I thought of u before I sleep tonight.I've been trying to suppress my feelings but my heart still aches when I thought of u, baby girl.
8.U've seen me at my worst n at my best. Mommy's so sorry because I've never been able to show u how much I love u other than trouble u n bring u everywhere I go. I have to put u home where I cant get to see ur last moments.
9.When I don't talk about u doesn't mean I've forgotten about u.Mommy promised that mommy will do my best in my exams.I will keep that promise.Mommy loves u.
10.I don't want to forger u belle.Give me courage to go through my exams.I believe u are blessing me from the skies.

11.I thought of u everyday.

12.I dreamt about u today.I couldn't remember what the dream was about but I knew u were in it.

13.Last night I had a fit because I fought with Dan. I thought I was over ur death but I was just suppressing my thoughts. Whenever I felt sad or happy,the only thing I thought about was to hv u to hug.because u love me.Like no one else could.
14.I know its impossible,but I just want u to come back belle.I want to know there is a heaven,so that I know I will meet u there when its time.V will be tgt and play tgt.

15.Seeing the tiger reminds me of u belle.Mommy loves u so much.
16.Mommy's sorry she had to grow up...

I love u belle.N that will never change.U touched my heart.I'll meet u one day when the time comes.N v will be happy once more.In a place where there will be no loss.No unhappiness.Only tranquility.